It Was the Year of Pain
by 88Ivories
Summary: The continuing adventures of Sam and Dean and Jen that began in It Was the Year of Fire: Season 3. Now that they know Jen's secret, how will that change things? Sam and Dean wrestle with real and personal demons, and Jen's still around for the latter
1. The Magnificent Seven

**Welcome to the start of Season 3 of my stories surrounding Sam and Dean and Jen. If you are a current reader, welcome back, you rock, skip on ahead to the story. **

**If you prefer to avoid spoilers and would like to read what happened previously on your own, please check out my stories It Was the Year of Fire and It Was the Year of Great Sadness (in that order) to read about how Sam and Dean's world is a little different when Sam's best friend from Stanford, Jen, ends up along for the ride. She's not much for ghost hunting exactly, but she's always there when someone needs a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. There's more than that going on with her, but I don't want to give anything away if you are going to read those. If you just want the summary now including spoilers, and then check this out, keep reading.**

**The skinny on Jen: yes, she was Sam's best friend at Stanford, and even lived with him and Jess at the end, but she wasn't there by mere coincidence. Jen is an Earth Spirit or benevolent Goddess, and part of a contingent of similar beings that watch human events, and give personal aid and advice, but never interfere in conflicts and never kill. Jen was assigned to the Winchesters many years ago when Mary made her original deal, but after spending so much time with them, they are even closer than most friends. For a long time they didn't know Jen was anything special or different, but she revealed herself to try and talk Dean out of his deal, which, as we know, didn't work. Now, she comes and goes as she needs to, but she's never far away and can always hear when the Winchesters call. Her kind would like to see less death and destruction on the planet, and believe that these brothers are an important key, so Jen remains with them, helping however she can, even though that's very little, and this year, knowing Dean has an expiration date, will be the hardest one yet.**

**By the way. I may include spoilers for any season of Supernatural even though these are written to take place in and around certain episodes since I wait until the end of the seasons to write them.**

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><p>Sam was still in a state of disbelief over the terms of the deal that Dean agreed to. He had assumed that they would be able to find a way out of this. He had spent most of their quiet week before the appearance of the Seven Deadly Sins going through the books, finding useful bits of information, taking it all pretty well, considering. But now, knowing that Dean won't even help him, Sam wasn't so sure that he could handle this.<p>

He looked across the motel room at his brother. Dean sat on the bed flipping channels on the television. Dean looked happy and he had said that he felt good. Sam couldn't understand it, especially since Sam felt like he was being torn apart from the inside every time he looked at Dean. Still, he didn't want to burst Dean's bubble, at least, not right now. He had to get out of there for a little while.

He jumped up and grabbed his coat. "I'm gonna take a walk." Sam managed to make reasonably audible as he walked out the door. He hoped Dean wasn't going to follow him. So far, so good, and after a few minutes had passed, Sam was certain that Dean was going to leave him be. He didn't know where he was going or what he was doing, but he knew it was away from Dean's apparently hopeless situation.

Sam was walking down the streets of the little town they were in. The streets were empty, shops closed. A wind whipped across him, and, although it wasn't cold, Sam shivered. Then he heard footsteps. They were light and quite a ways behind him, but they appeared to be slowly gaining. Sam tried to ignore them, imagined they were just some late-night inventory taking shop keeper. Soon, the steps stopped gaining, and began walking in pace with him. Now, Sam was uncertain and a bit nervous. He readied himself for a confrontation and spun around.

As he spun, the figure stopped and looked at him. Then, she smiled.

"Jen!" Sam gasped in relief.

"Hiya Sam."

Sam stood frozen for a moment. Jen's ability to suddenly appear and disappear was still a little disconcerting. Still, she was Sam's best friend and his sounding board, and just seeing her brought everything he was dealing with immediately to the surface. A fire rose in his chest and tears stung at his eyes. He didn't want to fall apart in the middle of the street and he looked at Jen, silently begging her to figure something out.

Jen walked up to Sam and looped her arm in his. "Come on. There's a bench up here, we'll sit." Sam followed mindlessly, allowing Jen to lead him and soon they were seated in a small alcove surrounded by bushes. "It's safe here." She said.

Sam barely waited to sit down before he began speaking.

"How could Dean make a deal like that? How am I supposed to watch him die and not even be allowed to do anything about it?" The tears were already beginning to spill over and down Sam's cheeks, but he held on trying to explain himself, even though he knew Jen understood. "I don't think he even cares, and especially not about how I feel. I don't know what he thinks I am supposed to do now, but I am not just going to sit back and let this happen." Jen's hand was already rubbing Sam's back, and he leaned forward dropping his head into his hands, his voice falling back to a whisper. "I can't just let this happen. I can't."

With Sam's anger released, the only thing left was the crushing sadness which overtook him as Jen wrapped her arms around him easing him toward her. Sobs shook his body, as the world around him melted away and all he heard was Jen's soft "shhhh" in his ear.

The sobs slowed, but the ache remained. Sam pulled himself to sitting upright again and wiped his face.

"God, this sucks. This really, really sucks." He turned to Jen. "I'm not even sure I can be around him. I mean, knowing he's going ..." Sam paused, the word catching on the lump in his throat.

Jen reached to cup Sam's cheek and turned him toward her, her clear, dark eyes gazing right into his swimming green ones. "I'm here with you, Sam. Anytime you want me. I don't even have to be visible to Dean, but I can be there. Okay?"

Sam attempted a weak smile, and then wrapped his arms around Jen and held her tight. As she returned his hold, Sam couldn't seem to help as he sobbed softly once more into her shoulder, though it remained dry no matter how many tears fell. This time, Sam was exhausted quickly, and still holding on when Jen whispered to him.

"You should get back,"

Sam sat up and his eyes pleaded with Jen. "Come back with us?"

Jen smiled. "Yes, I'll come back with you."

The return trip to the motel was quiet and Dean smiled at Jen when she followed Sam back inside. As she took her old seat in the chair in the corner of the room near Dean's bed, he raised his eyebrows at her.

"Staying the night?"

Jen shrugged. "Yeah. Why not?"

Dean tried to appear uninterested in her decision to stay, but Sam could tell his brother was glad she was there. Sam pulled his blankets up over him, glancing once more at Jen in the corner. He wished she could just fix everything that was wrong, but even though he knew she couldn't, he also knew he would sleep better knowing she was there.

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><p>Dean did not necessarily sleep any better. Even though he tried not to think about it, the small fears about Hell were already taking a grip in his subconscious and they formed into a dream about fire and demons and being unable to escape.<p>

Dean woke up in a cold sweat.

Jen was there. Sam had asked her to stay, and she had apparently decided to take his request seriously because she was still in her chair in the corner as Dean looked around the dark room.

Dean paused for a moment awake in bed, sitting up. Jen slid her chair over by his side, like she used to do before he knew she could come and go at will.

"Are you okay?" Jen asked.

Dean shrugged. He thought it was kind of silly that she asked. She could read minds, right? It's not like she didn't know what happened. Still, he sort of appreciated that she still cared, sort of. Dean didn't really want to think about it all right now. He knew that he should just forget about it. He had a long time to go, this was not the time to worry.

Dean rolled over away from Jen and shut his eyes. He felt her hand gently rub his shoulder as he drifted off.

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><p><strong>Thanks again for sticking with me or joining in! Drop me a line if anything doesn't make sense and drop a review please to let me know what you think!<strong>


	2. The Kids Are Alright

Dean walked out of Lisa's house still thinking about what it might have been like to have a son. About halfway down the sidewalk, he turned and glanced back just for a moment, but the door was shut. When he turned around again Jen was standing just a few feet in front of him. Dean smiled. She had been spending the occasional evening with them again, but had hardly been around other than that. He realized how much he had missed her constant presence.

"Hey! Nice to see you around in the daytime."

Jen's eyes sparkled. "Don't forget, just because you don't see me doesn't mean I'm not around." Dean shook his head and kept walking. Jen turned and walked alongside him.

"Is that your way of saying you were eavesdropping just now."

Jen raised her eyebrows in her knowing way. "Maybe."

Dean looked over toward her, wondering what he was thinking that made her choose to appear at this moment. "And?"

"And I'm a little surprised as to how disappointed you actually were when you heard that Ben wasn't yours." Dean turned forward again, walking just a bit more briskly. He knew she was right, he was disappointed. He also knew why.

"Yeah, well, a guy gets to thinking about things when he's only got a year left. Things like what he's leaving behind."

Jen nodded. "I often find that the best legacies are those that you never think of and are hard to spot. As someone who has had the unique opportunity to watch the fruits of her labors long after the usual human lifespan, it really is the little things that count."

Dean thought about that for a moment. It's the kind of thing people say all the time, but he'd never heard it before from someone with the life experience that made him really believe her. Still, in his mind, the only things he could think about were the times when things went wrong, people died, evil got away. It was so hard to sort it all out.

They walked in silence for just a moment before Jen spoke again. "I think you've done quite a lot of little things over the years." She reached for Dean's hand and his thoughts were filled with a string of people who had thanked him for saving their lives and others lives.

Dean froze right in his tracks at the memories. For a moment he just stood there watching the slide show in his mind. His eyes filled with tears, and his breath caught once. He felt Jen squeeze his hand and he squeezed back, drawing on her ability to ground him to compose himself. The pictures ended as Dean was brought back to the present and Jen let his hand hang free again.

"Thanks," Dean said, scarcely more than a whisper. He looked to Jen again, wanting to just grab her in a thankful hug, but not here, not now. She looked back at Dean and smiled. She knew. It was only a little disconcerting to know that Jen could hear his thoughts, and actually, Dean was beginning to find it easier. He knew that she understood, and he didn't have to say things out loud.

There was, however, one thing he wanted to ask her. "You'll come back with me?" Actually, it was less of a question and more of a request.

Jen smiled. "Of course."

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><p>When the door opened, Sam jumped up. He didn't want Dean to suspect anything strange was going on, even though Sam's encounter with Ruby was the only thing he could think about. He startled for only a moment to see Jen enter behind Dean.<p>

Not wanting to deal with everything right then, Sam decided to just push ahead.

"We should get rolling, you know, places to go, people to save." Sam started packing his stuff, looking away from Dean to avoid the puzzled look his brother gave him.

Dean paused a moment, but then said, "Okay," as he began packing up his stuff as well.

Dean grabbed his packed bag and headed outside to put stuff in the car. Sam started to follow like when Jen grabbed his arm lightly. He stopped and turned back to Jen as Dean walked away.

"You are planning to tell him, right." Jen's eyes widened into the statement and stared directly into Sam's. He smiled and tried to look confused, although he was certain she already knew about everything. He hadn't tried to hide his thoughts earlier.

"Tell him what?" Sam shrugged.

"Tell him about Ruby."

Sam knew he had been caught, but he also knew Jen wouldn't tell Dean or give him away. The Jen he always knew wouldn't have said anything, but not telling things she learned by hearing their thoughts was one of the things Jen specifically promised. However, he also knew that she was right; it was time to tell Dean. Sam sighed and looked at Jen. "I'll tell him."

Jen smiled. "Good. I'll talk to you both later." Jen vanished in front of Sam's eyes. He shook his head in disbelief wondering if he would ever get used to that. Then he went out the door to talk to Dean.

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><p>That night, Dean had another nightmare. Similar to last time, confined in Hell, surrounded by demons, and it snapped him awake in the same cold sweat.<p>

Again, Jen was there. Dean knew that he had asked her to stay earlier, but suddenly, he didn't want her to know about these dreams. Maybe it was the disconcerting fact that she could see what he did. Maybe he just didn't want to deal with it yet. He didn't know, he just knew that he didn't like her there giving him that concerned look. She walked over.

"I'm fine. Going back to sleep now." Dean muttered.

Jen paused and sighed as Dean rolled over, but she left him be.


	3. Sin City

Dean's nightmares weren't going away. He had another a few days after their encounter with Bela. This one was worse.

Jen appeared just after Dean woke up. She pulled the chair up beside his bed and placed her hand on his arm. She whispered to him.

"Maybe we should talk about this. I think it would help."

That was the last thing Dean wanted to do. Actually, the last thing he wanted was Jen rooting around inside his head.

"How the fuck is that going to help?" Dean whispered back harshly. "How is anything supposed to 'help' this? Why don't you just stay the fuck out of my dreams. Okay. That would help."

Jen let go of Dean's arm and pushed back. She looked at him sadly for a moment. Then she was gone.

Dean felt guilty, but he pushed that aside. He was right. She couldn't do anything anyway, so she should just stay out of it. That's it, stay out and leave him alone. He could handle himself. He was a Goddamn Winchester after all.

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><p>"Well, I don't have to like it," Sam stated bluntly.<p>

Ruby sighed. "No. You wouldn't be Sam if you did. On the bright side, I'll be there with you: that little fallen angel on your shoulder."

"You are not even a fallen angel." The voice rang out from behind Sam. He recognized Jen, but just barely since he had almost never heard a tone that abrasive from her. He was actually quite surprised. Jen tended to give everything the benefit of the doubt. She withheld judgment. Not this time apparently.

Ruby shrugged at Jen just before she turned to leave. "I'll leave you two alone."

Sam waited a moment, watching Ruby go, then looked at Jen. "So … that was a bit harsh."

Jen sighed as she sat on the bed. "I don't like demons." Jen turned to look up at Sam. "I can't get in their heads, and it is my experience that they never have any good in their plans."

Sam sat next to Jen. "Ruby says she can help Dean, and at this point …" Sam paused and looked away from Jen, his eyes filling with tears. "Well, I'm not sure we have a whole lot of other options." Sam's voice shook, but he got the words out.

Jen extended her hand and Sam grasped it and squeezed tight. He blinked a few times and swallowed hard, but he stayed composed. He didn't want to be crying to Jen again, even though he knew she would be there for him. This process was starting to become a little too routine. Every year, someone else lost, Jess, Dad, and soon, Dean, although not if he could help it. Not this year. Jen remained quiet and still, her hand firmly holding his, steady as always. She was the one constant Sam had right now, and he was glad for that.

As Sam relaxed, his mind returned to the events of the day. "Shit. I killed a Priest today."

"You know, I may have my issues with Ruby, but she was right about how demons treat their hosts. I don't think the Father would have wanted to come back from a possession like that. It's the kind of thing that ruins religious people."

"Really?" Sam was still uncertain. Taking human lives never did sit well with him, even in situations like this.

"I've seen it before," Jen replied, almost sadly. Sam had to take a moment to remember that she had actually been around as long as the Catholic church, and before its existence. Suddenly Jen turned directly to Sam. "I won't ever lie to you, you know. I refrain from telling you boys all I know sometimes, but if I tell you something it's the truth."

Sam nodded. Somehow, he felt that he always knew that about Jen. It was in the way that she never tried to sugar-coat anything or gave false hope. If she had something to say, she said it. If you asked her a direct question, you always got a direct answer. Sam looked back on the few times he had ever gotten angry at or upset with Jen, and realized those times were always because she did tell the truth. She even did so knowing how Sam would react. He looked at Jen with a new sense of amazement at what she was capable of and then wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. He held on for a few seconds and then let go and stood up.

"Ok, we should get moving now." That was enough thinking about everything for Sam for today. He knew that he could forget for a while, lose himself in packing and preparation and finding the next hunt. He would worry about Dean, and Ruby, and everything else later. Jen stayed with him. Sam had a feeling that she would.

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><p>Dean's mind had not stopped spinning since they left the two dead demons beside each other in that basement. The turn of events was so strange, Dean not wanting to kill a demon and Sam wasting both of them faster than Dean could even react. He felt like he was living in a twilight zone, and now, seeing Sam come down the steps and over to the car just brought it back to the front of his mind again. Jen followed Sam and looked at Dean. For a moment, Dean looked back at her, wishing he could ask her the same question he had asked Bobby. <em>Is it really 100% Sam?<em> Dean glanced at Sam trying to imagine some way to escape him for even just a little while.

Dean barely noticed Jen walk right over to him as Sam walked to the trunk. She reached out to Dean and took his hand, staring at him with her dark eyes, as if she was trying to say something. Then, he heard her voice echoing inside his head, although her lips didn't move.

_Don't worry. It's still Sam. Really, truly Sam._

Dean tried to contain the look of shock that he was certain appeared when he heard her voice. He had already experienced her ability to recall images to his mind, but she could apparently put words in there as well.

Jen smiled and he heard her again. _Yes, I can speak with you like this, but only with physical contact._

Dean smiled at Jen. _Thanks._ He directed the thought to her. She nodded, squeezed his hand, and let go. Dean took a deep breath. He felt better. He knew Jen wouldn't tell him that if it weren't true. That was simply the way she was.

Sam missed Dean and Jen's moment and came around the car on his side. "We ready to hit the road?"

"Actually," Jen spoke."I'll be taking the scenic route."

Sam and Dean looked at her, puzzled. She smiled and continued."I won't be far, but sometimes, when you can, it's nice to ride the wind rather than in a car."

Dean let his face fall into a pout. "What? My baby ain't good enough for you?" Dean gave the Impala a loving pat.

Jen smiled. "There's no doubt she's a beautiful car, but she's still a car."

Jen looked at Dean again, and then Sam, and then vanished. Dean shook his head. "I am never going to get used to that."

Sam chuckled as he got in the car. "I know just what you mean."


	4. Bedtime Stories

The next time Dean had a nightmare, Jen appeared across the room. Dean looked straight at her and thought _go away_ directed toward her as pointedly as he could. She complied. She didn't look happy.

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><p>Sam was sitting in the research section of the library on a couch with his computer. He was trying to work out this whole fairy tale thing, but was having trouble staying focused on his task. He kept coming back to the Colt and Dean's insistence on not going after the crossroads demon. After a few minutes, Sam realized that concentration was just not going to happen, so he called her, barely more than a whisper.<p>

"Jen? Are you around? Please."

Sam put the computer on the floor and his hands to his temples. He squeezed his eyes shut and played it off as a headache, even though he could feel the tears building behind his eyes. He felt the couch shift a few moments later as someone sat down next to him. He took a breath and opened his eyes. Jen was beside him.

"Thank goodness," Sam exhaled as he put his arms around her in a quick hug. Then he sat back again and looked at her, not sure where to begin. Jen put her hand on his shoulder.

"I saw what happened."

The tears crept into Sam's eyes as he remembered Dean's words to him to "let it go." How could Sam do that? How could Sam sit back and do nothing when they had the means to try? He looked at Jen, feeling like he was going to just fall apart, but knowing that he couldn't do that in the middle of the library. Well, technically it the corner of the library, but still, there were far too many people nearby to make Sam comfortable.

Jen gave Sam's shoulder a squeeze and leaned in closer to whisper to him. "I have the ability to create a glamour, to hide us in plain sight."

A glamour: Sam was familiar with that term, usually used by witches to change their appearances, although he had never heard it used as a shield from the rest of the world before. Still, if that meant that they wouldn't attract unwanted attention, he was in. Sam nodded at Jen. She shut her eyes for a moment, and then looked back at Sam. "It's done."

Now that he felt safe, Sam's control began to slip away and he wrapped his arms around Jen as tears slid down his cheeks. He felt awful for doing this to her again, and even worse about Dean. As he began to think about it though, he realized how stupid Dean was being. As anger swelled up in him, he stopped crying and sat up, looking at Jen.

"I can't believe Dean! I mean, does he really want to die?" Sam kept his tone hushed, though he knew the anger was simmering through. "And he is such a freakin' hypocrite, I mean, I died and making a deal was like, the first thing he did! And he was so flipped out when Dad made the deal for him. I don't think he ever even got over that, and then he did the same thing to me. You know what: fuck him. Just, fuck him."

Sam buried his face in his hands as the tears began to overflow from his eyes again. He couldn't do this, and Dean shouldn't have put him in this position. Jen's hand rubbed back and forth across his shoulders and she leaned in and spoke quietly to him.

"You know, Dean is not going to give you the permission you want, not right now anyway. He watched you die once, and the conditions of the deal say that if he tries to get out, you die again, and he is not ready to face even the remotest possibility of you dying again."

Sam sighed and sniffed. He knew that she was right, but that didn't make Dean's request not to help him any easier. He looked up at Jen.

"I'm not ready to face the possibility of him dying again. I've done that, too. I just don't know what to do."

Sam turned to Jen and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding tight to the only thing in his life that wasn't going anywhere.

Jen took a deep breath and spoke again, although it seemed like her tone was more, well, distant? "The demon told Dean that he couldn't welch on the deal. Demon deals are very specific. If you went without Dean's knowledge, she couldn't kill you." Sam lifted his head, slightly hopeful, even if her words were said blankly.

"Really? I could do that?" Sam had considered going behind Dean's back before, but he wasn't completely sure that the demon wouldn't simply take him out until now. He was awfully surprised that Jen suggested that at all. She had always been against deals. Still, she had told him this, and Jen didn't lie.

Jen responded carefully, although Sam could see a worried look in her eyes. "I don't think it would work, I know Dean won't like it, and I'm not sure it would help you at all. But you could do it and survive."

Sam could tell that this was an incredibly long shot, but he needed something right now, so he grasped hold of this idea and held on to what little hope he could. He tried to smile at Jen and squeezed her tightly.

"Thanks." He looked down at his computer. "I guess I should try and do something useful before meeting up with Dean."

"I'll leave you to work." Jen stood up and was gone before Sam could even notice whether she walked off or disappeared.

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><p>Sam shot the demon between the eyes. He stood for a moment, staring at the body.<p>

"Did that make you feel better?" Jen's voice sounded from behind Sam. He heard, but he didn't turn toward her. His anger at the demon, still strong though the demon was dead now, shifted to his friend instead.

_She was the one who told me to do this. She shouldn't have done that. She knew it was all false hope. Now she shows up to mock me? Screw her. That demon got what it deserved, and that's all that matters._

"Why don't _you_ tell me." Sam responded coldly. She was a mindreader, right? Not this time. He focused on the demon and tried to close down his other thoughts. The last thing he wanted right now was Jen inside his head.

Jen walked up beside Sam looking over at the dead demon. "I can't. You're blocking me."

"Well, then. Yeah. I feel great now." Sam smiled and walked over to dig up his box. Jen remained where she was, watching Sam.

"Usually when you are blocked to me, it's because you are trying to convince yourself of something that you know isn't true."

Sam ignored Jen, turning around and walking right past her toward the car. "I should get back before Dean notices I'm missing." He looked back to where Jen had been standing just before turning the key. She was gone.

He drove away, trying to ignore what just happened, and what Jen said to him at the end. He kept reminding himself that he had to try this. He had to try. Demons are no good anyway. Killing a demon just gets rid of one more lying scumbag. Right?

As he drove alone, Sam's focus began to fade and other thoughts drifted into his mind. He realized that he would never sneak this past Dean. Dean counted the Colt bullets almost daily. He would notice one missing. Sam gripped the wheel tightly.

Still, there was one less lying, deal-making demon in the world. Of course, when Sam killed using the Colt, that meant shooting the meat suit the demon was inhabiting as well: it meant killed a human. Now, tears were starting to fill Sam's eyes.

Sam blinked hard and turned up the radio. The song changed and the opening words filled the car.

_I close my eyes. Only for a moment, then the moment's gone._

Fucking Kansas. Sam snapped off the radio. He shook his head trying to steady his shaking shoulders and keep the tears at bay. They ignored him.

Sam tried to push on, but the tears wouldn't stop and he could only just barely see the road. He pulled the car over to the shoulder and turned it off.

"Fuck!" He shouted as he banged his hands against the steering wheel, then leaned onto his hands as the shaking turned to sobbing.

Within seconds, Jen's hands were around his shoulders, pulling him gently toward her. Sam's previous anger toward Jen was completely gone now and he held on tight to his friend and poured out all of his pain into her shoulder.

"I don't understand." Sam spit out between the sobs. "No demon, no deal? Right?"

Jen took in a deep breath, and Sam could hear the sadness. "Sometimes, things are more complicated."

Sam could tell that Jen's statement held more knowledge than she was going to tell him, but right now, Sam simply didn't have the energy to try and ask what she meant. Instead, he hugged Jen tightly and cried. It already felt hopeless, as if this was the only possible option, and it was gone.

When Sam finally sat up, he wiped his eyes and leaned back against the seat. He looked over to Jen and said solemnly, "I guess I don't actually feel better."

Jen put her hand on Sam's shoulder. "You boys are smart and you've beat the odds before, so you never know what could happen. I'm here for you no matter what. You know that."

Sam nodded and then cracked a half smile. "Even when I think I don't want you around?"

Jen smiled gently. "Even then."

Sam's expression became serious again. "I better get back. Dean is gonna kick my ass."

Jen smiled again as Sam drove away, riding along, at least for now.


	5. Red Sky At Morning

**Author's Note: So, based on the supposed timing of things, we've come back around to November 2nd again just about after this episode. Therefore, here's my take on it.**

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><p>Sam was still angry with Dean when they pulled into the little motel in Forked River, New Jersey, but Dean wasn't exactly being conversational so Sam had given up talking. Dean ignored him. It was probably better that way. Jen stayed out of sight. It was late, and Sam went right to bed. He was worried about falling asleep, but he felt the light breeze in his hair and heard the whisper of Ave Maria in his head that let him know Jen was there, so he relaxed and was soon unconscious.<p>

Sam woke up not too late the next morning, but Dean was already up and showered and pacing around finding various things to do. For all that Den didn't want to talk about going to Hell, Sam knew it was bothering him. The fact that he was hardly sleeping was only one of the many signs Sam had caught.

Sam decided to get on the computer and see what he could find case-wise. Maybe if he ran across something worthwhile, he could talk Dean out of this Atlantic City crap. He lifted the screen and started in on the news. That's when he noticed the date: November, 2nd, 2007.

_Shit._ Sam quickly snapped the computer shut and pushed it out of his way. How could he have missed that? Sam felt the familiar ache, the pit in his stomach, and the lump forming in his throat. Two years it had been since Jess … _dammit_. Dean must have realized and not said anything. He must have.

"Why didn't you tell me what day it was?" Sam asked, his voice already beginning to get gruff as the tears began to pool in his eyes.

Dean looked at Sam, his expression guilty, but somewhat apologetic. "I … just didn't … I mean …"

With a small gust of wind Jen appeared across the room. Dean paused a moment and looked at her before finishing his statement. "I'm gonna go get some breakfast or something." He grabbed his jacket and bolted from the room.

Jen walked over to sit beside Sam. He grabbed her hand almost before she had completely sat down and squeezed it tightly. "No nightmares this year." Sam whispered.

Jen squeezed his hand in return. "I always suspected that the nightmares were Azazel's doing, even from the beginning in college. Something to keep you drawn in. They never seemed right, too vivid, too specific."

Sam nodded. That made a lot of sense. The nightmares about Dean and Dad hunting in college, the dreams about Jess before she died, and last year's harrowing reliving of the event had seemed different. Still, not having nightmares didn't make this anniversary any easier. The tears that were in his eyes had begun to fall down his cheeks, and the lump in his throat turned into a sob. He brought his hand to his mouth to catch the next sob as Jen swiftly wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him toward her.

Sam stopped trying to hold back and just let it all go while it was just him and Jen. He knew Dean would return at some point, and he hated being like this in front of Dean, especially now that Jess's death was two years behind him. Sam knew that Dean didn't enjoy November 2nd any more than he did because of Mom, but Dean had his own way of dealing with that, and crying never seemed to be on the agenda.

After a few minutes in Jen's arms, Sam was able to pull himself together and regain his composure. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Jen reached out and brushed a bit of Sam's unruly hair out of the way. She smiled at him. "Why don't you just go to Atlantic City. I think it will be fun."

Sam's brow knotted and he gave her a skeptical look. "Really?"

"At least you'll be busy."

Sam nodded. He understood the logic. "Fine, I'll go if you go."

Jen's smile grew even wider. "Mmm, I haven't been gambling in years. I think I will come along. We can even have a little fun!" Jen stood up and spun in a circle and as she turned her previously typical clothing turned into a black and red sparkling evening gown. "How's that?" Jen asked Sam, eyebrows raised.

Sam laughed, something he wouldn't have thought he would do today, and smiled. "It's perfect."

* * *

><p>So, they went to Atlantic City. Whatever Jen had done with Sam seemed to work well enough because the day had gone pretty smoothly. Dean figured the best thing to do was enjoy himself while losing Bela's money. He didn't really have a need for the money anyway. He certainly didn't want to think about what day it was, and he definitely didn't want Jen reminding him. Although, she was giving him that look all day. He knew the look, because he'd seen it many times, especially recently. It was the same look she gave him after Lawrence and the same one she gave him at Bobby's after the Rakshasa and especially like the one he got in the bar during the zombie case. Not this time, though. He had no reason to deal with this. He was going to be gone long before it would matter anyway.<p>

He pulled the handle on the slot machine and looked around. Jen and Sam had wandered off again. Dean shrugged and went back to Cleopatra and the ankh matching mini-game. Sam was trying, but the day hadn't been quite as easy for him, so Dean didn't worry so much about the brief disappearances. They always came back, Sam usually with puffy eyes, but by the time they came back they were both smiling again. Then Jen would put that gaze back on Dean.

When they returned this time, Sam went right up to Dean. "So, how about a buffet?" Dean cracked a huge smile. If there was one thing he was intending to do before getting dragged below, it was to eat everything delicious that he could find. The three headed off.

After stuffing themselves, it was decided that perhaps it was actually bedtime. They made their way up to the small suite that they had gotten for the night. Hey, if you are going to do Atlantic City, you might as well do it with style. Dean wasn't really tired yet, so he sat out in the living room and flipped on some late night infomercials. Jen and Sam dipped into the bedroom and Jen returned a little while later.

Jen sat on the couch beside Dean. He knew she was going to try something. It wasn't going to work.

"So, we made it." Jen spoke, carefully, clearly trying to feel Dean out.

"To Atlantic City, yes, I think that obvious a while back." Dean winked at Jen.

"I mean, through today."

Dean turned back to the television and changed the channel. "Oh? Was today something important?"

Jen's calm expression fell for a moment and Dean caught just a glimpse of a frustrated scowl.

"Dean, it's not good for you just to bottle everything up and act like nothing's happening. You don't need to get all sentimental around Sam or anything, but I think I deserve a little more credit."

Dean turned to Jen. "Credit for what? You couldn't save Sam so I had to, and I can deal with the consequences of that, and I can do it without your little philosophical bullshit emotional interference, okay?"

"This is not dealing. It's denial."

"So, what if I want to be in denial? I'm enjoying it. I'm happy. Shouldn't you just let that be?" Dean was starting to get angry now and he upped the volume just a few notches, turning away from Jen again.

"This isn't only about you." Jen said quietly.

"Sam? Listen, I know it's tough for him, but he'll make it. He's strong and he has you. What's talking about this shit going to do right now anyway? I don't really need him crying on my shoulder, so I'm going to keep telling him everything is all right and he's going to listen. Do you know why?" Dean looked back at Jen again. "Because I'm the big brother and he's the little brother and that's how it works, okay. What do you know about that?"

Jen was the one who broke the stare this time, turning back away from Dean.

"It's more important than that, Dean."

"Oh, really, why?"

Jen sighed and looked down.

"Right. You can't say anything. Well then, I'm going to keep handling this the way I am, and we are going to be a happy little family about it right up until the day they drag me off, got it."

Jen's brow knitted together and she folded her arms. Then she stood up and looked down at Dean. "I wish you would trust me." Then, Jen vanished.

_Good riddance._ Dean thought. Now maybe he could get some peace and quiet. He looked at the clock. It was 12:43. He let out a slow breath. They had made it.


	6. Fresh Blood

Sam turned away as Dean chopped off Lucy's head; he flinched as it happened. He couldn't help but think about Madison. It was so hard watching people who didn't understand and couldn't control what they had become. It was the gray area of hunting; a zone between good and evil. It was a place Sam had been himself and thought about often. It was a place that he didn't enjoy being in, and the only thing worse was having to take the life of someone else in that zone. At least this time it wasn't someone he cared about.

Dean must have noticed Sam's mind drifting away because he shouted over to his brother. "Hey, Sammy, I got this. I'll be back" Sam wasn't about to argue at this point, and Dean deftly removed Lucy's body and took off.

That's when Sam felt her presence behind him as her hand gently slid against his back.

"Hi, Sam." Jen said quietly.

"Why us? Why do we have to be the ones to make these decisions?" Sam asked quietly, tears pricking at his eyes.

"I have all the knowledge of Mother Earth and can answer nearly any question of what or how that you have, but why is something each person has to discover for themselves."

Sam sighed. "Is that Goddess of Wisdom stuff or philosophy major stuff?"

Jen smiled. "I found that the two overlapped quite nicely."

"Did we do the right thing?" Sam whispered.

"What else could you have done?"

Sam nodded and sniffed, the corners of his mouth twitching up in an attempt at a smile. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly and quickly wiped away the bit of moisture that had collected in his eyes.

He turned to Jen. "Thanks."

Jen smiled back and then vanished.

* * *

><p>Just because Dean enjoyed acting invincible, that didn't seem to convince his subconscious. The nightmares were happening more often. Jen was staying away though, so she clearly listened to him. The most recent one was the worst though, and Dean accidentally let loose a small shout upon waking.<p>

Sam heard that one. He roused for just a moment and turned toward Dean. "You okay, man?"

Dean coughed. "Yeah. Thought I felt a spider on me."

Sam turned back over. "Wuss."

Dean wasn't about to worry about the insult so long as Sam bought the story.

Jen remained unseen.

* * *

><p>Sam returned to the motel while Dean was still out trying to track down Gordon. He figured that perhaps there was something he was missing, something that would help. He was so focused that when he walked in the door he didn't even see Jen sitting in the chair at the table.<p>

"Hi Sam."

Sam's head snapped up in shock, then he noticed her. "Oh, hey. What's up?"

She looked at Sam, expressionless and eyes wide. "We need to talk about Dean."

Sam sat down next to her and sighed. "You mean my increasingly reckless, older, stupider brother,"

Jen's expression remained still. "Yes, that one."

"So, what do you want to talk about? I thought you were just going to handle him?" Not that Sam had actually seen any progress there. Sam started to get nervous. He didn't know where this was going, but Jen was too serious, and he didn't like it.

"I've been trying, but he won't talk to me. Not at all. He's sidestepping me and he's blocking me. It's just like after John died, but it's been over six months, and we're running out of time. Anyway, I can't even tell if it's on purpose or because he's trying to fool himself into thinking that this isn't a big deal."

Sam gave a slight eye-roll at the thought of how his brother typically operates. "I vote for option two."

"I agree." Jen nodded and then pulled herself slightly closer to Sam and looked him directly in the eyes. "Here's the thing: I know you want to do what you can to get him out of this deal, but if we can't, his best chance of managing Hell is by being at a point of real acceptance when he gets there, and right now he's still in the denial and bargaining game."

Sam was transfixed by her eyes, and though he didn't want to hear what she said, the words seemed to burn straight into his brain. When she finished, he was able to turn away and he did so quickly. He felt a lump in his throat, but he managed to swallow it back. Jen reached over and took Sam's hand. He looked back up at her.

"What do you need to talk to me for? I don't know if you've noticed, but he doesn't listen to me. He doesn't want to hear any ideas about getting out of his contract and he knows I don't like the invincible act, but he does it anyway."

Jen sighed. "Dean listens to you, but what he hears is that you can't handle him going to Hell, and that's what he's responding to. He thinks that this will help you let go." Sam's eyes filled with tears.

"Well, I can't handle it," he said, just a whisper. Jen pulled her chair even closer to Sam and gave his hand a squeeze. Sam shut his eyes against the tears and her voice sounded again nearly right inside his head.

"The thing is, what Dean needs to hear is the rest of the story. The part where you feel like you've lost your brother already because of the way he's acting. The part where you need him here with you while you still have that chance, and especially the part where he needs to stop trying to protect you, and himself, from the inevitable."

Tears pushed past Sam's eyelids and began falling down his cheeks now and he brushed them away with his free hand, the other still gripping Jen's tightly. He didn't want to think of his brother being dragged down to Hell, but it was creeping closer every day. Jen continued.

"Dean will listen. You are still the most important thing in the world to him, and I really believe that hearing it from you will help him to realize what he's been doing and how much it hurts both of you."

Sam knew that Jen was right. He also knew that she wouldn't be here talking to him like this unless she truly needed his help. Sam was aware that he was beginning to shake now and Jen reached up and wiped the tears from his cheek with her thumb. She sighed.

"I'm sorry, honey," Jen whispered. "I hate to do this to you."

Sam reached across and wrapped his arms around Jen. She reciprocated and stopped talking. She just held him quietly as sobs shook his body.

Sam was getting tired of this. He was tired of Dean's little mind games and denials. He was tired of being caught on the wrong end of them, and he was tired of it always being about Dean. Sam needed his brother too, now, while they had the time. Jen was right, and it was not going to be easy, but he had to get through to Dean. He had to.

The sobs slowly calmed and Sam picked his head up off Jen's shoulder but looked at her for a moment before letting go completely. He nodded.

" I can do it."

Jen smiled gratefully. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>Dean sat on the bed of the empty motel room watching some stupid paid programming for some stupid exercise machine. Sam was off to the library, working on a possible case.<p>

Dean was thinking about what had happened the evening before, with Sam, and with Gordon. He wondered what finally pushed Sam over the edge to say those things to Dean. They were almost too well planned, or at least considered ahead of time. Dean was pretty sure someone was behind it, and he was pretty sure she was there right at that moment.

"You might as well show yourself."

Jen appeared. "Even when you're being stupid you're really very smart." She smiled at him.

"So, you talked to Sam about that stuff he said?"

"I may have. Although, the thoughts always belonged to him. I just helped him to articulate them."

"I guess I haven't really been all that nice to either one of you lately."

Jen shrugged. "You have had a lot on your mind."

"Yeah …" Dean's voice trailed off for a moment as he thought about his predicament. It actually wasn't something he did very often. He has been working harder and harder not to think about it. Of course, that seemed to be what got him in this position with Sam and Jen, so maybe it wasn't the best course of action.

Dean looked over at Jen. He realized that he had an opportunity here that he didn't get often. It was just him and Jen. Sam would probably be out for another hour or so. Jen had always been easier to talk to, maybe he should try. He flipped off the tv and swung himself to the side of the bed, looking away from Jen.

"You know, Sam's right. I'm scared. Who wouldn't be scared. I mean, it's Hell. It's not exactly going to be sunshine and candy." He paused for a moment and looked up at Jen again. "Do you know what Hell's like? Have you seen it?"

Jen's eyes darkened for a moment and she came over and sat beside Dean on the bed.

"No, I haven't been there. Our domain is Earth, and Hell is not of Earth, so we are forbidden to enter without permission, but I do know what happens there." Jen paused and took in a deep breath then turned to look right at Dean. "It's torture, physical and mental torture." Even though she spoke in her typical, non-expressive way, the words themselves just sounded ominous to Dean. Jen continued. "Those who

hold on the longest are the ones who can hold on to the connections, memories, and accomplishments of their lives. They are the ones who accomplished what they needed to, left the fewest regrets, and knew there were those remaining who loved and remembered them."

Dean was beginning to remember why he didn't like to think about this whole situation. Originally, he had almost thought about it as an escape. Get away from this crazy fucked-up life, but now, listening to Jen, he wasn't so sure it was an escape.

Jen reached over and took Dean's hand. He held it tightly.

Of course, that was part of the point too, wasn't it? Dean fucked up, and he would have to face the consequences. He was supposed to save Sam, and now, well, that's what he did, the only way he knew how. He saved Sam, just not himself. In some ways, he still felt like he deserved this.

"It sounds like a lot to do and I don't have much time left." Dean spoke quietly. He knew that Jen meant that he needed to forgive himself, for everything. He wasn't sure that he could do it.

"You can do what you need to. I know you can. Just listen to yourself, and Sam."

"And you?" Dean looked over at Jen, aware that tears were tight in his eyes.

"I'm here to help you, too."

Dean squeezed Jen's hand again, and then grabbed her in a huge hug. He shut his eyes against the tears, holding them back, and letting her strength pull him back together.

When Dean felt alright again, he let go. "Thank you." He said to Jen. He felt surprisingly okay, better than he had in a while. He could barely remember any more why he had pushed Jen away for these last months.

"Of course." Jen replied, a sparkle in her eyes over her calm expression. There was a moment's pause after which Jen stood up and took a few steps back. "I'll leave you to the tv now." She said as she faded away into a breeze.

Dean smiled to himself.

* * *

><p>That night, Dean slept soundly, but the next, the nightmares returned with a vengeance. This time, just as the hellhounds charged for Dean, Sam got in the way. They tore and clawed at Dean's little brother as he stood, frozen, awaiting his turn. He woke up in the same cold sweat, his eyes immediately turning to Sam in the next bed, anxiously watching the rise and fall of his chest. Even after the assurance of Sam's presence, Dean couldn't shake the pit in his stomach or the clammy sensation. Though it had been months, he knew he needed her. He almost didn't want to call. What if she didn't come? He had pushed her away so many times now he couldn't be certain that she would. Still, he had to try.<p>

"Jen." Dean whispered, only barely audible.

Almost instantly, Jen was standing beside Dean. She reached over to take Dean's hand and he squeezed it. She sat down in a chair beside Dean. He wasn't sure the chair was there a moment before, but wouldn't be surprised if Jen was able to move it to her. They seemed to learn new things about her every day. Still, he wasn't going to worry about anything right now except for shaking that nightmare. Jen's voice echoed inside his head.

_It was just a dream. I'll be there for Sam._

Tears welled up in Dean's eyes thinking about it all. _I wish I didn't have to leave him._ He directed the thought to Jen.

_I know. _Jen reached over and ran her hand gently through Dean's hair. His composure finally broke as a tear escaped from each eye, running down his cheek. More followed those, though not many. It was still hard to think about it, and Dean's natural inclination was to avoid doing so. He knew Jen wanted more. She wanted him to talk more about it, but Dean couldn't do it. Not yet. The nightmare was past and he was ready to sleep again. He gave Jen's hand a squeeze and grinned at her.

"Thanks" He whispered.

Jen just smiled in return and let go of his hand. Dean shut his eyes and drifted off, free of nightmares, at least for the rest of the night.


	7. A Very Supernatural Christmas

Sam stared intently at his computer trying to figure out where to go next to find their hungry pagan god. He and Dean seemed to have hit a wall, and they were running out of time. Apparently, Dean felt the same way because he shouted over to his brother.

"Hey, Sam. I'm going to work on how to kill this thing, maybe give Bobby a call and scope out the local library." Dean grabbed his jacket and headed toward the door.

Sam glanced up briefly and nodded in acknowledgement. "Yeah, you do that. I think I'm going to look up the Carrigan's. There's something funny about them."

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Just something?" He waved once as he walked out. "Okay, see you later."

Sam was alone, still focused on the computer, when he felt a presence in the room. He looked up and Jen was standing across the table staring at him.

"Okay, creepy." Sam said, not sure why she was there and why she was so quiet.

Jen shrugged. "Sorry. I watch you all the time, so it doesn't seem as creepy to me."

"Okay, that's even creepier. So, you here to help out? Know anything useful about pagan Gods?"

Jen's eyes smiled at Sam, though she maintained a neutral expression. "Actually, most troublesome pagan Gods used to be like me, energy beings, but they were cast out of our protection for various reasons. Typically for things like letting power go to their heads and demanding sacrifices, Mother looks down on that you know. Then their immortality is taken away along with some of their power, and they are left on their own."

Sam was surprised. He rarely got information like that out of Jen, much less that easily. He had to suddenly wonder how many of the creatures they encountered she knew and if she could find them. She looked at Sam and gave him a stern expression. He realized that she must have heard those thoughts, and then she spoke again.

"No, I don't know who you are looking for. Not personally anyway. I also can't help you find them. That would be very against the rules. That's also not why I'm here." Jen walked away from Sam and sat on the edge of the bed.

Sam was uncertain about where this was about to go, but he knew he couldn't avoid her. "So, if you aren't here about the case, then what?"

"I'm here about Christmas." She spoke innocently.

Sam sighed and sat up, leaning back, staring at Jen with as much annoyance as he could muster.

"You too? Did Dean put you up to this?"

"Dean hasn't said a word to me, but I know what's going on. I know how much this would mean to him."

Sam sighed. "You know how I feel about this Christmas, and Dean. It's not like family Christmas's were something I enjoyed." Sam's mind drifted back again to that horrible Christmas Day that Dad never showed.

Jen cocked her head, watching Sam. He knew she was listening to his thoughts.

Sam looked at Jen, his eyes already beginning to burn. "That was an awful Christmas, I was so convinced we would never make it this far."

Jen gestured toward the spot next to her on the bed. Sam didn't really want to discuss this, but he knew Jen wasn't going to give him a choice. He left the computer and sat beside Jen. She slipped her hand around his and looked at him.

"Do you remember what happened later that night?"

Sam thought back to that night. He remembered telling Dean he wanted to sleep, and then hiding his tears from Dean who eventually went back out to the other room to watch tv. Then, as Jen squeezed his hand, Sam remembered something else. Something that he had pushed out of his mind over the years because at the time, it felt like a dream.

* * *

><p><em>Sam was lying in bed, still crying, but nearly asleep. He was alone. He knew Dean had gone out into the other room. Suddenly, Sam felt a hand on his back, rubbing gently. It felt different, he knew it wasn't Dean. Sam rolled over to see the figure of a woman. At least, Sam thought it was a woman. She was sort of glowing which made it hard to really see what she looked like. Sam gasped and stared at her, tears halted for the moment.<em>

_"Are … are you a monster?" Sam whispered._

_The woman smiled. "No, Sam. I'm not a monster." Her voice was pretty and quiet. Sam liked it, but he was still nervous._

_"How did you know my name?" He demanded._

_"I've been watching you for a long time, Sam."_

_"Is this a dream?" Sam simply couldn't believe she was real. How had she gotten past Dean?_

_"It will seem like a dream later." Sam was still uncertain, but something about her seemed friendly and calming, and he wanted someone to talk to, because Dean wasn't being all that helpful._

_He looked at the woman again. "Why are you here?"_

_She reached out and stroked Sam's hair. "I want to help you. I don't want you to be afraid."_

_When she said that, Sam remembered his fears and started crying again._

_"But monsters got my mom, and they probably got my dad, and they're going to get me and Dean too!"_

_The woman took Sam's little hand and held it in hers. Her hand was soft and smooth. "Monsters aren't the only things out there. There are good things, too. Things that want to help you and who watch over you and Dean all the time."_

_Sam sniffled. "Really?"_

_"Really."_

_"Are you a good thing? Are you watching me?"_

_The woman glowed a little brighter. "Yes, I am. Now, you might see and hear scary things, but trust me, your Dad really is one of the best, just like Dean said, and he'll come back, I promise, and when you get scared, you can remember that I'm always watching you, even when you can't see me."_

_Sam didn't know why, but he believed her, at least, he wanted to believe her, and she already made him feel better. He wasn't so worried about Dad. "Okay." Sam replied to the woman, nodding, and rubbing his eyes. She reached out and wiped the tears off Sam's cheeks._

_"Now, Sam, you need to sleep." The woman's voice sounded almost like it was inside Sam's head. His eyes got very heavy and he rolled back over. He heard her voice one last time as he drifted off. "When you wake up, this will seem like a dream, but you won't be scared anymore."_

* * *

><p>Sam sat for a moment remembering and now finally recognizing Jen in the woman from his dream. He looked at Jen in amazement. "You really have been watching us our whole lives?"<p>

Jen just smiled at him. Sam almost couldn't help but smile back.

"I guess that Christmas wasn't all bad."

"Funny." Jen spoke, almost as an aside. "Dean's been thinking about the same Christmas."

Sam's brow furrowed. "Really? Why?"

Jen's eyes sparkled. "It was the day his kid brother gave him a very special gift for being such an awesome big brother."

Sam smiled, but he was instantly reminded of the current situation and his eyes filled with tears. He looked over at Jen, trying not cry. He wanted to explain, but he couldn't speak with the lump that was in his throat. He looked at Jen and knew she could hear him.

_I don't know if I can make it through this Christmas with Dean, and the last thing I want is for him to have to comfort his little brother on his last Christmas._

Jen responded to Sam's thoughts. "I'll be there with you, and we'll give the eggnog just enough kick. You can do this." Sam nodded at Jen. He knew she was right, and he knew how much Dean wanted this.

The tears in his eyes were pushing hard to fall, but he didn't know how long Dean would be. He looked over at Jen again. She reached up and cupped his chin with her hand. "It's okay." Jen whispered. "I'll know when he gets near."

Sam finally allowed himself to give in and let the tears fall as he wrapped his arms around Jen and buried his head in her shoulder. He felt that maybe if he just gave in now, he would be okay with Dean later, so that's what he did. He trusted that Jen would get him through this, especially now that he knew yet another terrible time she had gotten him through.

After a few minutes, Sam whispered, "If you're with me, I can do it, I can do Christmas." He squeezed Jen one more time and sat up.

She smiled at Sam. "Thank you. Dean will appreciate it ... and so will I."

Now, Sam just had to survive this case.

* * *

><p>The game was nearly over when Dean looked over to Sam. "This has been really great, thanks."<p>

Sam just nodded at his brother, the lump in his throat reappearing. He blinked hard and looked down. He still had half a cup of eggnog in his hand, so he tipped it back quickly, grimacing a little as the alcohol burned down his throat. Then, he felt the hand on his shoulder.

"Merry Christmas." Jen said cheerily. Sam took a deep breath as something in Jen's touch pulled him back to the present.

"Hey!" Dean beamed at Jen. "Merry Christmas to you too!"

"Mind if I join you?"

"Of course not! Eggnog?" Dean looked around, but not seeing another glass, he just held out his.

Jen chuckled, but put her hand up in protest. "That's okay." She came around the couch and sat beside Sam. She quietly grasped his hand and squeezed it tightly. He held on for a moment, and then released. "So, who's winning?" Jen asked.

"You watch football?" Sam asked.

Jen shrugged. "When you have been around as long as I have, you watch everything. I don't suggest cricket though unless you have my lifespan." Sam and Dean laughed.

The trio finished the game and watched the last hour of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation before the fatigue started to set in. Sam was nearly ready to sleep, sitting on the edge of his bed when Jen sat beside him and took his hand.

"Dean. Come join us. I have a gift for you two." Sam looked at Jen confused, wondering what she meant. Dean sat on the other side of Jen and she took his hand as well. "Now, shut your eyes."

Sam did, and a moment later it was as if he had opened them again, but he wasn't in the motel room any longer, but in someone's living room staring at a brightly lit Christmas tree. Something about the room seemed familiar, but he couldn't place it.

Suddenly, there was a voice,_ "John, come help Dean put the Angel on the tree."_ The boys both gasped audibly as their mother walked into the room with a 3-year-old Dean tagging along behind her. She was just visibly pregnant, Sam could only imagine with him. Dean was holding a large tree-topper Angel.

_"When's Santa coming, mommy?" He asked._

_"Tonight dear, while you are asleep."_

_"Yay! Will he bring me my new brother."_

_Mary laughed. "Oh not yet, Dean, your brother isn't nearly big enough to come out yet." Mary sat on a chair and Dean climbed onto her lap and put his ear to her stomach._

_"You better be good in there, because Santa's coming."_

_A voice bellowed out behind him. "You better be good too, if you want that bike."_

_John snuck up on Dean and picked him right off Mary's lap. "Now, are you ready to finish that tree?"_

_"Yes, yes, yes!" shouted Dean holding the Angel up. John took Dean over to the tree and lifted him toward the ceiling. Dean plopped the Angel right on top of the tree, and it sat just a little lopsided looking down._

_"It's beautiful." Mary beamed from the chair. John put Dean down and he crawled back up on Mary's lap. "Mommy? Is that the angel watching me?"_

_"One of them, dear." John walked over behind Mary and put his hand on her shoulder. She reached up to hold it, and he bent down to kiss her._

The view faded out and Sam only saw black again. He kept his eyes shut against the tears that he discovered had found their way in them during the vision. For a minute nobody moved or spoke.

Dean broke the silence. "Thank you." Sam felt the bed shift as Dean got up. The bathroom door opened and shut.

Without Dean there, a few of the tears pushed their way through and slid down Sam's cheeks. Jen turned and pulled Sam toward her in a hug and he didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her as one tiny sob slipped out into her shoulder. They held tight for a few moments, Jen keeping her promise to help Sam get through this. He could hear her whisper, or was it inside his head? "You're alright, Sam. You're alright." He believed her and was just fine and making his way into bed when Dean came back out.

Soon, both boys were in bed, and Jen had sat down on the couch, looking content. Dean flipped out the lights and for a moment there was silence. Then, Jen began singing.

_Silent night, holy night_

_All is calm, all is bright_

Her clear soprano rang gently through the room. It was so beautiful that Sam didn't mind as tears fell on his pillow one last time before he fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Dean listened through the final strains of the second verse.<p>

_Jesus, Lord at thy birth. Jesus, Lord at thy birth._

When Jen finished singing, she quietly walked over to Dean's bed and sat on the edge. Dean pulled himself to sit up somewhat, wiping the tears off his cheeks. "You gotta stop doing that." He whispered, throwing Jen a grin. She swung herself around to sit next to Dean, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

"So, you talked Sam into this?' Dean asked.

"Guilty." Jen replied.

Dean turned to give Jen a hug. "Thanks. For that and for the gift." Dean's voice cracked just at the end thinking about his mother, and more tears filled his eyes. Jen, ever aware of what's needed, sometimes before Dean is, kept her arms tight around Dean for an extra few moments.

After letting go again, Dean looked at Jen for a moment. "You know, we didn't get you anything."

Jen smiled at Dean. "What could I need?"

Dean shrugged. "I just wish there was something I could do for you."

Jen's voice became more serious for a moment. "If you want to do something for me, just never give up. Okay? Never give up."

Dean wasn't completely certain what she was talking about. Probably his nonchalant attitude toward his rapidly approaching deadline. Still, when Jen was serious like that, Dean listened, or at least tried to. He nodded. "Okay. I won't."

Jen smiled again. "You should sleep. It's been a long day."

Dean knew she was right and could feel how tired he was. He nodded at Jen and she moved herself off the bed, and he slid back down under the sheets. As he drifted off he heard her singing one more time.

_Chestnuts roasting on an open fire …_


	8. Malleus Maleficarum

Ruby disappeared, leaving Dean standing alone in the parking lot. He spoke out to the seemingly empty space.

"You knew about that didn't you. That demons were once human."

Jen appeared behind Dean. "Yes, I knew."

Dean spun around and his eyes flared in anger. "And you didn't think it might be prudent to, you know, mention that little piece of information." He voice grew increasingly louder as he spoke.

Jen spoke quietly and without emotion. "I wasn't allowed."

Dean stared at Jen, his hands clenching tightly as his anger increased. He started shouting questions at her. "That is the biggest bullshit excuse. What are you actually allowed to talk about? Do you know other important things? Do you even tell us the truth? Have you actually been to Hell?"

Jen's eyebrows knitted and a look of sadness washed over her. Dean saw it, but refused to allow himself to feel any guilt over making her feel bad. This was important information and he had a right to know.

Jen spoke again. Firmly, but still quietly. "Of course not. I have never and never would lie to you. I leave out details once in a while, things I'm not permitted to talk about. Now that you know, I can tell you more. I told you that Hell was torture, and it is. It's the torture that turns people in demons. Most of them are pretty bad people to begin with. Ruby was a witch. Do you think she never used spellcraft to hurt poeple? Most people who make deals want power, glory, or fame. They aren't helping others. What I said, about the people who hold on the longest, is true. I can't be there with you, but I can help you hold on to your humanity for as long as you can, longer than many. I just need you to trust me."

Dean knew that Jen was begging him not to push her away again, but right now, Dean could barely look at Jen without thinking about all the things that she knew about and couldn't tell them, and wondering how many of them could have saved lives, including his and Sam's.

"No." Dean shook his head. "There are too many secrets. Too many things I don't understand. We don't even really understand why you are here with us. I can't do it. I can't trust you like that."

Jen continued to stare directly at Dean, her face still, but her eyes pleading. Dean avoided her eyes. He couldn't get sucked in this time. This was too much for him. He had to get away from her. He waved at her to leave.

"Go be with Sam. When I'm gone, he'll still be here, and he'll need you more than me."

"That's not true." She spoke as she dissolved into the night, her words echoing in Dean's ears as he walked off, alone.

* * *

><p>Sam couldn't shake the revelation that Ruby, that demons, were once human. Really, it was the implications of that which were troubling him: Dean would become a demon if they couldn't get him out of this deal.<p>

Sam sat on the bed, thinking, when the door opened. He looked up, expecting Dean, but was surprised to see Jen instead.

"Using the door for a change?" He asked.

"It's less startling." She replied flatly.

"Where's Dean?"

"Walking." Jen walked over and sat next to Sam. She sighed. Sam looked at her, and she looked more defeated than he had ever seen her. She sat deep in thought, not even reaching out for Sam.

"Jen? What's wrong?" Her attitude made Sam nervous. Jen never let her defenses down this far before and Sam wasn't used to that.

"I knew." She spoke quietly, thought her voice remained steady. "I knew that demons used to be humans who went to Hell, but I couldn't tell you. That's one of the rules, and if I break the rules they'll take me away from you."

"Dean didn't take that very well did he." Jen shook her head.

"I didn't think that he would, but I was hoping."

Sam sighed. "So …" He paused. He looked at Jen for a second and then looked away. "So, that's what you meant when you talked to me about Dean. That he needed to be at a point of acceptance to 'manage' Hell. You mean that if he's still twisted up and angry, he'll become a demon even faster."

All of Sam's jumbled up thoughts managed to straighten themselves out in that one revelation. Unfortunately, now the vision of his brother as a demon was nearly impossible to get out of his head. He felt his stomach turn somersaults and tears filled his eyes.

Jen reached out to take Sam's hand. He squeezed it tightly, but felt bad. He had never seen Jen this crushed by Dean's reaction. She didn't seem to have any recourse and Dean's deadline was getting closer and closer. Sam felt caught in the middle. He tried to blink back his tears.

"I'm still here for you, Sam." Jen spoke quietly, her lips curling just slightly up in a small smile.

Sam shook his head. "But you've got Dean. Don't worry about me."

Jen let go of Sam's hand and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. "Hey, Dean isn't letting me help him, at least let me help you."

Sam hesitated for a moment, but he couldn't hold his tears back for long and soon he turned toward Jen and wrapped his arms around her. She did her best to act like nothing had changes, but he could tell she was still worried about Dean. Then again, so was he.


	9. Dream A Little Dream

Dean flipped through the channels on the television for a while before finding Dr. Sexy. Dean smiled. Sam had gone off to the library and he wasn't expecting him to be back for another hour or so.

About half-way through the episode, Dean felt a familiar breeze, though he was inside and the window was shut. That could only mean one thing. He looked around, and, sure enough, Jen was standing by the door.

Dean scowled at Jen. She was the last person he wanted to see. He was still angry with her for all the secrets, and he was tired of her constantly butting in to his little trip downtown. Her touchy-feely crap was simply that, crap. She couldn't help him, so why even talk to her.

"What the fuck are you doing here? If you think you are going to get me to talk or something while Sam's out, well, you are just delusional, because it's not going to happen. Ever. Actually, just get out of here. How about that? You have to leave when I tell you to, right?"

"I'm not here to talk to you." Jen said simply, looking at Dean expectantly.

He studied her for a moment. Was this a trick? She was very tricky. Her expression was typical, giving away very little emotion. Her eyes though were different. There was something else in them, and it wasn't good. Perhaps, frustration, sadness? Whatever it was, she was clearly nervous about telling him. The curiosity about that alone forced Dean to ask.

"Alright, what's wrong?"

Jen paused a moment and then spoke. "It's Sam. I think you need to talk to him."

Now Dean was just confused. Sam wasn't here, and nothing seemed to have changed with him recently. Why now? There was something Jen wasn't saying and Dean had to know what it was. He got up off the bed and walked toward Jen.

"What do you mean? I thought he was going to the library." Jen looked away. Bingo. "Where is he?"

"He's at a bar ..." Jen didn't need to finish before Dean had picked up his jacket and was nearly out the door. A bar. He couldn't believe his brother. Sam was a lightweight, so this couldn't be good. Crap. Thank goodness Jen came to tell him.

He paused for a moment, looking at Jen. He had been pretty horrible to her lately, and mostly for selfish reasons, and deep down he knew that. Well, he still didn't want to talk to her about his situation, but Sam was still going to be here in a few months when Dean was gone, and that had to be dealt with.

Dean nodded at Jen, and she returned the nod, a brief moment of understanding between them that right now at least, they were on the same team. Dean knew what had to be done.

"Show me."

* * *

><p>When Bobby woke up, Jen was sitting beside him. She beamed at him and shouted. "Bobby! You made it!"<p>

He looked at her, slightly confused. "You? Where are …" Bobby still felt a little disoriented.

"They are back in the motel room. They were meant to be asleep. I assume that's how you got back."

Bobby was starting to make sense of it all, what Sam and Dean had told him and what happened. "That really was a dream?"

Jen nodded. "Yes, it really was."

"Holy shit. Can't believe I didn't know. How long you been here?"

"A while. Almost a whole day."

Suddenly, Bobby came back into the present and realized that he was alone with someone who could read minds. He got nervous for a moment. "Did you? Did you see?" He asked Jen carefully.

Jen smiled and shook her head. "No. Nothing. You block me even when you're unconscious. Pretty serious about your privacy, huh?"

Bobby raised his eyebrows at Jen. "Yeah, well, you live my life, the last thing you want is people inside your head. Of course, that's just where those two idjits you drive with were."

Jen gave Bobby another smile. "They saved your life though."

Bobby nodded slowly. He knew she was right. No matter what stupid shit they did, they always pulled through. "Yes, that they did, that they did."

* * *

><p>That night, after it was all over, Sam and Dean settled into the motel for the night. Sam was charged now that Dean had given him permission to really work on getting him out of the deal and had been running the computer nonstop since they got back. Dean couldn't get the dream out of his mind.<p>

He needed to get out of there, clear his head. He grabbed his jacket, "Hey man, I'm going to take a walk, stir crazy, you know."

Sam nodded from the computer. Dean was pretty sure that Sam barely heard him. "Yeah, okay." Sam mumbled.

Dean walked out the door and headed down to a park he had spotted earlier. He sat down on a bench. Walking hadn't really cleared his head. He had a good idea of what he should do, but he hadn't talked to Jen in months. Still, he was pretty sure that she would come. Actually, he was pretty sure that she was there already. Dean shouted out to darkness.

"Jen. I know you're around, show yourself."

Jen appeared beside him. "You don't need to shout."

Dean ignored her and continued. "How much did you see?"

"All of it."

"Good, so I don't have to talk about it."

For a moment, the two sat in silence. Dean thought about what he wanted to say, but he couldn't sort it out. Jen reached out and put her hand over his. "Don't think so hard. I'll understand."

Dean grasped Jen's hand, and finally started talking. "This isn't fair," He said. "Why me? I do everything I'm supposed to for years, and I'm the one who gets shit upon. I save my brother for what? Torture and apparently lots of it. This is bullshit, fucking bullshit. Sure, Dad did his part for me, but he got out. I don't think any Devil's Gates are going to be allowed to open anytime soon for me."

Dean paused for a moment and took a deep breath. Then he turned to Jen. "Am I really my own worst nightmare? I mean, you've been in my head, what do you think?"

Jen looked at Dean for what felt like a long time before speaking. "You underestimate yourself. You think that it's a good thing, you know, no expectations means you can't fail to live up to them, but you're wrong. You have to believe in yourself. You are your own person, you have your own talents. You are worth saving."

Dean shook his head. "It doesn't feel that way. I mean, you saw the dream, I'm just Daddy's little soldier, do what I'm supposed to, and apparently, I'm supposed to follow Dad into Hell too. Fuck! I don't deserve this!" Dean pounded his free fist into his jeans and realized that he was nearly shouting. He stopped to catch his breath, not realizing how hard his heart was pounding. His eyes filled with tears and his chin trembled. Tears fell from each eye as Dean whispered. "I don't deserve this." He reached up and wiped his face, the tears still stinging in his eyes.

Jen turned to Dean and said very clearly and distinctly. "No, you don't."

For the first time since he made the deal, Dean actually believed what he and Jen had just said. Jen, with all the knowledge of the Universe and who will not lie, told him he deserved to live, so it had to be true. Finally, the months of waiting, knowing, and mixed feelings about Dean's decision to make this deal surfaced and Dean turned to Jen, grabbing her tightly as sobs wracked his body.

Jen held Dean and her voice echoed in his head. _I'm here. I've got you._

After a long while, Dean's sobs slowed. Still holding onto Jen, he asked quietly. "What can I do?" He didn't even really know what he was asking. He knew Jen couldn't get him out of this deal, but he remembered her saying that he could learn to hold on. He needed something to hold on to right now.

Jen let go of Dean and eased him to look at her. She spoke quietly but directly. "You need to forgive. Forgive John and Sam and yourself. Let the guilt go. This may not have been fated, but there is no way to change the past. Good comes out of everything, even things that seem horrible. Somewhere, there is balance in the Universe. Trust in that."

That sounded familiar to Dean. He looked at Jen for a moment as he remembered.

"Balance in the Universe. You said that before: after the whole angel thing in Rhode Island. Of course, then we didn't know that you and the Universe were actually on speaking terms."

Jen smiled. "Yes, I did tell you that then too."

Dean's eyes filled with tears again, further remembering the conversation. "About mom."

Jen took Dean's hand. "It's about everything. Everything is connected, and everything works together."

Dean nodded slowly. He wanted to believe her, but it was so hard to see beyond his own death sentence. He knew he had to try though, he his own sake, and for Sam's.

Jen leaned over and whispered in Dean's ear. "Just keep trying. We can do this, together." Jen let go of Dean's hand and gave him one more tight hug, which he reciprocated, using her strength to pull himself together one final time.

Dean and Jen walked back to the motel together, but Dean walked in alone. Sam was still on the computer. It was alright. Dean didn't need to see Jen to know she was with him.

This was the first night in a while that Dean slept soundly with no nightmares.


	10. Mystery Spot

He saw her sitting on a bench in the park watching the children play on the swings. Quietly, he sat down beside her.

"I thought that was you." Jen said simply.

"I could never hide from you." The trickster responded. "It's good to see you again. You look lovely, as always."

Jen turned to him and smiled. "And you are charming, as always."

"So, did you ask me here to reminisce?"

"I wish it were that simple." Jen chuckled and then grew serious. "I want to know your plan."

The trickster widened his eyes in mock surprise. "Plan? I don't know what you mean."

"For Sam and Dean."

"I can't have you warning them, you know."

"That's not what I have in mind. I think that we might be able to help each other for once."

"You want to play tricks on your own charges?"

"The unique circumstances of Sam and Dean's situation call for unconventional methods of trying to reach them."

"You know that I won't play nice just because it's you."

Jen sighed. "You never did. I'm hoping we can compromise on some points." She smiled at him and reached out to caress his cheek. "What happens with them affects you too."

Sadness shone in his eyes and he reached up to touch her hand. "I know. Believe me, I know."

Both let their hands fall again, but they remained turned, eyes focused on each other.

The trickster turned away first and switched on a sly smile. "Then let the negotiations begin."

* * *

><p>Sam followed Dean out the door, keeping his gaze on Dean at all times. As the door shut behind him, Jen appeared in the in empty room, watching the two boys walk away. Tears shone in her eyes.<p>

"I wouldn't have been as hard on him if I knew that it would make you so unhappy." The trickster's voice whispered as he appeared behind Jen, placing a hand on her shoulder and looping an arm around her waist.

She allowed his embrace, gently layering her arm over his. She smiled. "You would have. You enjoy the game too much."

The Trickster shrugged apologetically. "True. Still, I hope it was able to help. At the very least you have a good idea of what to expect with Sam."

Jen sighed. "Yes, I don't think it can get much worse than that."

The trickster's voice dropped in volume suddenly and a serious tone took over. "Sam is like a time bomb left to himself. You better take good care of him while Dean is gone."

"Believe me, I'm going to do my best. I hope it's enough." The two stood for a moment in silence in the empty room. Then Jen released her grip and turned to face the Trickster. "Thank you, for everything, but my boys need me now."

The trickster nodded. "I still love you, you know, my Ceibhfhionn."

Jen's expression softened at the sound of her true name. She took the Trickster's hands. "You watch yourself, stay out of sight, and hope things don't go the way we are expecting, and maybe someday we can be together again, my Gabriel."

For a second they stared into each other's eyes, then Jen leaned in and their lips met. He tried to hold on, but she pulled back quickly. She smiled at him once more, and then was gone.

* * *

><p>Sam changed the channel again. Dean had fallen asleep about half an hour ago. Sam knew he should try to sleep, but he just couldn't do it. He couldn't let Dean out of his sight, and he couldn't fall asleep after everything that happened. Dean wouldn't understand, he didn't remember anything. Sam couldn't forget a moment of it.<p>

Jen's familiar whisp of air flew across Sam's face and he turned to see her slowly materialize.

"May I join you?" She whispered

Sam barely responded, just moved over on the bed. Jen sat beside him. He immediately wrapped his arms around her in a hug. "I missed you." He whispered, tears filling his eyes.

It was funny, because until that moment, he had barely realized how much he had missed her. He could only imagine that the Trickster was the reason she hadn't been around throughout the ordeal. Of course, with everything that happened, he had to wonder if she even knew.

"Do you …" Sam could barely speak. Fortunately, Jen broke in quickly.

"Yes. I know it all."

Without any reason to explain or hold back further, Sam allowed the tears to fall. Quietly at first, though, soon he was trying to muffle his sobs into Jen's shoulder. Jen held Sam tightly and whispered to him gently.

"I've got you. You're safe here."

He did feel safe with her. It was so different, living in that world without Jen. He had no one to turn to, so he didn't. He had simply internalized everything and focused on hunting. It never did help though. Nothing could release the knot in his gut through those six months, and even up through this evening. Now, though, with her presence, it was almost easy to let it all go. She had tried to explain something about this to him once, back after she had told them who she really was and Sam was asking a ton of questions. She said that she could manipulate energy, and therefore allow blocked emotions to come through. He didn't understand what she meant exactly, and he still didn't, but he didn't care. He knew he needed this, and her.

He didn't know how long he was crying. It felt like forever. Finally, exhausted, he unclenched Jen and lay back beside her. This trial behind him, his mind turned, as it recently always did, to the next one.

"I don't think I can do it again. I don't think I can watch him die."

Jen put her arm around Sam's shoulders and he leaned onto her. "Whatever happens, Sam, I'll be there."

Her words were only somewhat reassuring. He knew that she wouldn't lie, and she wouldn't give him false hope, so what she said was all she could promise. He knew that she couldn't stop the deal or bring Dean back to life afterwards. It was probably going to happen, and it was probably going to be awful.

Jen voice drifted through Sam's thoughts.

_Ave Maria, gratsi a plena._

The melody was calming. It was one of Jen's favorite songs to sing at night, and rarely a week had gone by when they lived together at Stanford that Sam hadn't drifted off to that sound once or twice. He stopped thinking and just listened, and finally the fatigue overtook him.

_Amen._


	11. Jus In Bello

Ruby was gone and Dean was still in a bit of a state of shock at Lillith's retaliation. They had fought so hard, and still, _still_, it was all taken away. He didn't know whether he should feel angry or sad or what, and for the moment, he kind of just felt numb. Numb had been his favorite feeling lately. It was easier than anything else.

Sam never seemed to understand numb, and Dean could see rage rising up in his little brother as Sam stared at the television gripping the remote, his knuckles nearly white. Suddenly, Sam, stood up and shouted.

"Fuck this shit." He threw the remote to the ground where it promptly broke into three pieces and the television snapped off. He turned and huffed out, slamming the door behind him.

Dean wondered if he should try and go after Sam. Then Jen appeared. _Right on time._ She looked at Dean and nodded. She had this. Dean nodded in response. Jen vanished.

Dean looked around the empty room. It seemed appropriate.

* * *

><p>Sam felt himself flush with anger, but only barely recalled throwing down the remote and slamming the door. He felt out of breath by the time he reached the curb next the Impala, and he sank to the ground. Only then did he notice the pit in his stomach or the tears in his eyes. He leaned forward and held his head in his hands as the tears fell and his shoulders began to shake.<p>

Sam felt Jen's arms wrap around him. For a moment, Sam sat still letting Jen just hold him, then he turned to her and squeezed his arms around her tightly.

"It's not your fault." Jen whispered.

Sam couldn't speak, but it didn't matter, he knew Jen could hear his thoughts.

_How is not? We let that happen, we left those people there._

"Lillith is a killer. She's going to kill no matter what you do. You had the choice to kill an innocent human being and you chose not to. Saving life is always the right decision. Even if things you can't control happen later, it's always the right decision."

_If it was the right decision, then why does it suck so much?_

"Ruby is right about one thing, this is a war. It's not one you asked to be part of, but you are, and there will be casualties. You can't save everyone, and I can't spare you every pain. Nobody can. However, we believe that you have the best chance of saving as many people as possible in the long run."

In some ways, Sam hated it when Jen did that. He knew that she was some all-powerful Goddess, but when all she could do with that power was to remind him that he no choice but to join this cosmic war, it just made him mad. He let go of Jen and looked at her, wiping his eyes.

"I don't want it. I don't want to be part of it." He whispered. His throat clouded and he couldn't speak further. _People are going to die anyway, how can I know what to do?_

Jen took Sam's hands and looked at him. "I think that you were chosen for this because you do know what to do. You know what's right. Trust yourself. Deep down, you always know what to do."

Jen's confidence was always difficult to ignore, and Sam found himself nodding at Jen. He also found the pit in his stomach dissolving. It still hurt. God, did it hurt. Still, they had to keep going, keep trying. If anyone could face Lillith, it was them. They had to keep going.

Sam let go of Jen's hands and grabbed her again in a hug. She held on to Sam, and tears fell down his cheeks again and onto her blouse, where they evaporated immediately. Still, he felt better. When he couldn't cry any more he sat up, and Jen and him sat for just a few minutes in silence on the curb.

She was the one who stood up first. "Come on, you guys have to hit the road."

"Yeah, I know."

* * *

><p>It wasn't the most exciting day of travel, but Dean kept the music going and both of the brothers kept themselves busy and their minds off recent events. Jen popped in and out. She even told a few stories about some of the interesting Celtic festivals that she used to preside over in her original village and something about an attempt to seduce William Shakespeare.<p>

They didn't check into the motel that night until late, and Sam was tired enough to fall asleep almost immediately. Dean, in his usual fashion, started thinking again about Lillith. He had told himself over and over that he could never have killed that poor girl, even knowing what could happen. Still, he couldn't help feeling like they should have done something more before they left.

"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Sam. It's not your fault." Jen's voice drifted through his ears and when he looked up she was standing beside his bed.

Dean looked up at Jen. "That's easy for you to say."

Jen sat on Dean's bed. He pulled himself up beside her. "I told you earlier today about my village, have I ever told you what happened to it?"

Dean was confused for a moment. Where did that come from? Still, Jen always got to her point. He shook his head, no. Jen continued, a far-away and sad look in her eyes.

"One day, while I was away, the Catholics burned most of it to the ground."

Dean turned to Jen, surprised by the tale. "Holy shit."

Jen chuckled slightly. " 'Holy' shit indeed. Many, many of my people were killed, and the others forsook me for the Catholic God. For years, I blamed myself. I allowed myself to be distracted, I said. I wasn't watching. I was being selfish. But as I watched the Church take over more and more, I realized that I probably could never have stopped it, even if I had been right there. Some terrible things are simply going to happen. Nobody can see the future well enough to save everybody. Even today, I can't save everybody, otherwise, you wouldn't be in your current situation. Sam died on my watch, too, you know."

Dean looked at Jen. He hadn't ever thought about that. He had blamed himself for Sam's death, but barely had a chance to realize after the fact that Jen's job was to watch and protect them, and she had lost on both counts: Sam and him. He stared at Jen in amazement. Jen looked into Dean's eyes.

"If I let myself feel guilt for what's happened in my life, it would eat me alive. I feel sad for the lives lost and soon to be lost, but I have to let the Universe take some credit for terrible things that happen, and so should you."

As Jen finished her statement, she gently placed her hand on Dean's back, and he regained awareness of their current situation and tears filled his eyes.

"I hear you. I do." Dean sighed. "Why does fucked up shit always happen to us?" He whispered to Jen as she wrapped her arm around Dean's shoulders

Jen 's eyes sparkled as she squeezed Dean's shoulder. "Because you're so awesome."

Dean tried to smile at her joke, but he knew the attempt was weak and tears slid down his cheeks. He reached up to wipe them away, even knowing that the rest were close behind. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. He hated this, hated feeling this way. Sometimes he wished he could just forget or ignore all the terrible things that happened to him. He wished he wasn't so worried about what he still needed to finish before his imminent deal came due. He wished he didn't have to worry about leaving Sammy in this without him.

He felt Jen's hand lightly brush his cheeks, picking up more of the tears. Dean turned to Jen and held on to her for a moment, finding some calm in her strength. He was starting to understand that strength. This was one of the worst situations for him in terms of loss of innocent life. What she has had to see and endure in her lifetime was so much more, so much worse, so many people. She had to be that strong to survive. Dean knew he could use that, and he did, tears slowing and spirit lifting.

Still, he didn't want to let her run off just yet. He looked at her with a question, and knew that she would comply. He fell asleep to her voice.

_Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be_

_Whisper words of wisdom, let it be_


	12. Long Distance Call

Sam couldn't fall asleep. Dean was out cold, probably a little while back, but Sam couldn't stop thinking about Ruby. She lied to Sam. Sam should have known; demons lie. Still, she lied and now one of the last hopes that Sam had been holding onto to save Dean was smashed. Now what? Tears pooled in Sam's eyes and he tried to keep them back by squeezing his eyes shut.

He felt Jen's hand move through his hair as she slowly appeared, sitting up beside him on the bed. He heard her voice inside his head.

_I'm sorry, Sam_.

Jen. She had to have known that there was nothing Ruby could do, yet, she also let Sam continue to believe there was a chance. Sam felt like the center of some kind of cosmic Punk'd episode. He didn't speak for fear of falling apart, but he directed his anger at his friend beside him.

_You always knew there was no way out, didn't you? You let me hold on to false hope._

Sam suddenly felt terribly conflicted. He desperately wanted someone to blame, and right now there was only her, but he couldn't muster up bad feelings for Jen. She had been there for him too often and for too long, and he needed her. Her voice floated through his thoughts again.

_Blame me if you want. I can handle it. I'm still here for you._

Her words struck Sam somewhere deep inside, and the tears that he had been holding back spilled down his cheeks. A sob rose up in his chest, and he choked it back. For a moment, he didn't move. Jen's hand slid up and down his shoulder. He couldn't blame her, especially not now.

Sam pulled himself up and wrapped his arms around Jen. He buried his face into her shoulder trying to muffle as much noise as he could. She remained steady beside him, and an occasional _shhhhh_ drifted through Sam's mind.

After a while, Sam's sobs subsided, his tears gone, but still he clung to Jen. _How am I going to survive without him? _Sam thought sadly.

_You will. I'll be here. _Still unwilling to let go, Sam heard Jen humming softly. The soothing melody of Ave Maria floating across the room. He focused on the song, and soon was finally able to sleep, at least, for a little while.

* * *

><p>Dean hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment. He sunk down to the floor of the bathroom, leaning back against the tub in a state of disbelief and shock. Was that really his dad that he had talked to? He looked at the phone in his hands, as well as the incantation he had written down.<p>

He was a little surprised when he felt the arm around his shoulders and saw Jen appear beside him. He wondered why she was there?

That was when it hit him. Dean's eyes filled with tears and small sobs began to shake his shoulders. _Dad, _he thought, over and over again. The paper and the phone fell to the floor and Dean held his hand to his mouth, trying in vain to maintain some control. Though, with Jen beside him, her arm already encompassing his shoulders, he quickly gave up and allowed himself to fall sideways onto Jen's shoulder and cry.

Dean was not expecting how hard speaking to his dad, if it was his dad, was going to hit him, although, Jen certainly seemed to expect it. After a few minutes, when Dean had recollected himself, he asked her.

"How did you know?"

"It's my job to know you better than you know yourself."

Dean nodded and sat back up. Jen put her arm down. Dean leaned down and picked up the paper with the incantation dictated to him was written. He turned to look at Jen.

"Then you know I have to try this, right."

Jen sighed. Dean expected a fight, but she relented easily. "At least let Sam check it out first."

Dean nodded again. He could handle that. He knew that Sam would argue with him, but Dean trusted the voice on the phone.

"Okay, I can do that."

Dean got to his feet. When he looked down, Jen was gone. Dean washed his face and left the bathroom, sneaking back to bed without ever rousing Sam.

* * *

><p>Dean sat at the table staring at the phone. He heard her voice.<p>

"What if it's not him, Dean."

Dean looked up to see Jen in the previously empty chair across from him. He knew what she thought. He knew she was usually right. Still, he couldn't see another option.

"What if it is? I have to try. What other chance have I got?"

"I just think that Sam might be right, something else seems to be going on here."

Jen's voice and expression were calm, but Dean could see that she was worried about him. He gave her a half-assed grin.

"Are you just trying to ruin my remaining hope."

Jen returned his grin with a slight smile.

"I'm just trying to be realistic."

The grin faded and Dean looked at Jen, his own sadness reflected in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I just don't think I'm ready for reality at this point."

Jen nodded.

"You'll let me know when you are." Jen's eyes twinkled for a second and then she disappeared. He sat in silence for a moment. Then, his phone rang.

* * *

><p>It was a tough night for everyone. Dean was just beginning to really accept the fact that his fate was resigned, and he knew Sam could tell. Sam wasn't ready to accept that yet, but tonight he hid all of his impulses to fix it all and let Dean have his moment. Jen was left with her current, consistent, and impossible task.<p>

The evening had been quiet: beer and television and minimal conversation. Dean glanced at Sam again. He felt like Sam was watching him now, like Sam didn't want to take his eyes off his big brother. Dean wished he could do something, say something to Sam. It was getting late and he knew Sam could use some sleep, but, no, Sam seemed to have his vigil to keep.

Jen appeared.

"I learned a new song. You want to hear it?"

Dean was glad for a distraction. He also knew that Jen rarely did anything without ulterior motive, so he was hoping she had the same thoughts he did about Sam.

"Always!" Dean replied quickly.

Sam took an extra moment and looked at Jen. "What kind of song?"

Dean held back an exasperated sigh, but Jen just smiled and responded.

"It's pretty. You'll like it." Jen began to sing, not waiting for further response.

_Flow gently, sweet Afton, among thy green braes_

_Flow gently, I'll sing thee a song in thy praise_

_My Mary's asleep by thy murmuring stream_

_Flow gently, sweet Afton, disturb not her dream_

As she continued, the simple melody seemed to lure Sam slowly to sleep, even though it wasn't having the same effect on Dean. By the time Jen reached the end Sam was on his side, clutching a pillow and snoring just quietly enough to barely be heard.

Jen turned to look at Dean. He smiled at her.

"He's going to be mad at you when he wakes up."

Jen shook her head. "Only if he realizes what I did. He should assume that you fell asleep too."

Dean raised his eyebrows. "So that was on purpose."

Jen shrugged. "I figured you and me had some reality to talk about."

Dean sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I guess we do." Dean moved over on the bed, giving Jen space to sit. She complied, taking a place next to him. Dean clasped his hands behind his head and leaned back against the wall.

"I really wanted to believe it was Dad. I guess I knew, deep inside, that it couldn't be him, but, man, if anyone could have gotten me out of this it would have been Dad." Tears began to well in Dean's eyes. He blinked hard, not quite ready to let go just yet.

"John couldn't find another way to save you without doing his time in the pit. He was scared too, you know."

Dean thought back to that day, something he hadn't done in a while. "Yeah, he tried to hide it, but I knew he was scared of something when he saw me that last time, and Dad didn't scare easy."

Dean dropped his hands and sat upright, thinking about the whole situation. Finally, he turned and looked at Jen. The tears lingered at the edges of his eyes and his voice was nearly a whisper through the tightness in his throat.

"Even if we find the demon holding the deal, there's no guarantee we can break it, is there?"

"No." Jen replied simply. "There's no guarantee." A tear fell from Dean's eye and his chin trembled. Jen put her arm around his shoulder, and pulled him toward her. More tears slipped from his eyes down his cheeks and his breath caught in a small sob. Jen wrapped her other arm around Dean, encircling his body, and his dam finally broke as he grabbed her tightly and allowed himself to sob into her shoulder.

After a few minutes, his sobbing slowed, but he wasn't about to let Jen go just yet. He directed his thoughts to her.

_You talk about how the Universe has a purpose. Is there a purpose for me going to Hell, or am I just a Goddamn idiot?_

Jen sighed. _I always believe there is a purpose to everything, including this. I think your father had a purpose. I think he came back to help you kill Azazel. I don't know your purpose yet, but I still believe in it. _

_I don't think any Devil's gates are going to open for me any time soon. _

_Nobody knows what will happen Dean. Nobody really knows._

Jen had never parsed her words for Dean, and he appreciated that, even though this time they hit him hard like a kick in his gut. He'd faced so many seemingly horrific things, yet the thought of Hell was still more terrifying than anything else he could imagine.

Jen's voice floated through his thoughts again. _Don't think about it._ As he heard her words, he felt himself lose focus as his thoughts drifted to memories of good times and he knew that Jen was helping to make that happen. He didn't fight her. He simply lay back, let the memories drift through, and soon he began to fall asleep.

He knew there was almost no chance of getting out of this deal, but he knew that he couldn't stop trying.


	13. Time Is On My Side

Sam stared at the door for a long moment after Dean was gone. He almost couldn't believe Dean would leave at a time like this. As Sam stared, he saw Jen appear just in the fringes of his peripheral vision. He remained focused on the door as he spoke.

"He's really gone?"

"Yes."

Her response was simple. Emotions were flying through Sam's head: anger, fear, despair. He couldn't straighten it out. His face felt tight and he pressed his lips together as he nodded to Jen's statement. He turned and slowly walked toward the bed, sitting tentatively on the edge.

As soon as he was seated, everything hit him at once and tears filled his eyes and a sob caught in his breath. He leaned forward catching his head in his hands. Just as suddenly, Jen's arm was around his shoulders and her body close beside him.

For a few moments Sam continued to sit, head down, just trying to catch his breath through the sobs that nearly caught Sam by surprise. Jen was not surprised, though. She was there, and soon she had coaxed Sam toward her, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding tight.

Sam hated this. He hated feeling this way and hated the hopelessness of the situation. He also hated putting Jen in this position. She was essentially a Goddess, right? There had to be something more important she could be doing.

_Nothing I can think of. _Her voice drifted into his head. Sometimes, Sam forgot that she could hear his thoughts. He slowly unwrapped his arms from around her and picked himself up.

"I'm sorry." He apologized. "It's just, three weeks left, and we have no leads, and …"

Sam's eyes filled with tears again and he stopped. Jen squeezed his hand.

"I know, honey. I know."

Sam paused and took a slow breath in and out. He knew that he had to get active. He had to stay focused on his mission. He couldn't get lost thinking about the future. He turned to Jen.

"Okay, I'm going after the doc. I think I know where to find him."

Jen nodded. "Are you sure about this, Sam.?"

Sam raised his eyebrows, he knew he wasn't. He shrugged slightly at Jen. "What else can I do?"

Jen let go of Sam's hand.

"Be careful."

Sam nodded. "I will."

* * *

><p>Dean looked at Sam and bluntly replied. "Now, I'm gonna take care of him. You can either help me or not. It's up to you."<p>

Sam gave off a bit of a shrug as the Doc passed out. He looked at Dean and he felt tears begin to push at his eyes. Without saying a word he turned away and walked off into the other room.

Sam crossed his arms in front of him and blinked rapidly forcing the tears to stay put. As expected, Jen's touch on his back let him know she had heard.

"Does he want to die?" Sam asked quietly.

"No, but if he's going to live, it has to be on his terms. You know that. He's finally beginning to accept the decisions that he made, and that means he's not going to compromise his values for mere survival."

Sam took a long, deep breath. He did understand Dean's decision. He already knew what Jen said, even though he had to hear it aloud. It still hurt, knowing that he couldn't save his brother, that Dean wouldn't let Sam save him like this. He had to respect Dean's wishes. They simply didn't have time to fight any longer.

Sam shut his eyes for a moment, grounding himself to Jen's touch and finding the composure to do what had to be done. Then he opened his eyes and turned to Jen and nodded. They both returned to Dean, still waiting with the Doc.

"Okay. We'll stop him, for good." Sam spoke with as much certainty as he could. Still, Dean looked at his brother with concern.

"You okay, Sammy?"

Sam looked at Dean sadly. "No, but this is your decision, and I'll do what you want."

Dean's gaze turned to Jen. Sam didn't know what she did, but it was apparently convincing because Dean nodded and continued.

"Allright. Let's put this guy where he won't hurt anyone again."

They began to work. The next time Sam looked up, Jen was gone.


	14. No Rest for the Wicked

**And now, for the conclusion of the season.**

* * *

><p>Dean was gone. His eyes were wide and staring blankly and his chest and gut were ripped to shreds. Lillith was gone to who knows where, and Jen materialized as Sam bent over his brother's body in tears. Jen sighed and looked at Dean sadly. Even knowing what was likely to happen and how, it was still a difficult thing to watch. She had to focus now, though, she had to help Sam.<p>

Jen knelt beside Sam, cautiously putting her hand on his shoulder. He turned to her, his expression a mix of despair and shock.

"Jen …" He managed to say. Then he suddenly grabbed her shoulders and shook her violently. "Bring him back, Jen. Please, you have to bring him back."

Even without letting herself inside Sam's mind, she could feel the pain emanating from him. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her holding him tightly.

"I can't, Sam." Jen stated calmly and quietly.

"Yes, you can." Sam whispered. "You're powerful, right? You have to be able to bring him back."

Jen was silent for a moment. Sam was partially right. Jen was capable of returning life to dead things, although her usual subjects were plants. Not here, though. She couldn't get a soul back from Hell, and even if she could, she would be stopped. The others would never have permitted interference like that.

Jen returned her focus to Sam. "I'm sorry, Sam. There is nothing I can do for Dean."

"No, no, no, no, no …" Sam kept repeating as he squeezed Jen more tightly than a human of Jen's size could handle. His body shook with sobs, and there was nothing Jen could do or say to make it any better. She heard footsteps run into the room then stop suddenly at the door.

"Oh God!" Bobby exclaimed. Even through Bobby's natural wall, Jen could feel how terrible Bobby felt. She knew that Sam and Dean had been like sons to him these past two years, and that Bobby had felt an obligation to John to watch out for them. Bobby's guilt mingled with Sam's in the dead air over Sam's muffled sobs. Even Jen, with her millennia of wisdom, was nearly overwhelmed by it all.

Still, Jen knew that they needed to get out of there, and soon. Unfortunately, Sam was in no state at all for moving. She realized that she was going to have to intervene, even though she hated doing it. Jen was capable not only of reading minds, but manipulating them, although only slightly. Jen can't get rid of thoughts entirely, not without risking irreversible brain damage, but in this case, she could put the worst of Sam's feelings away for a while, as if behind a door or a wall. It's not the best option because as those feelings sit there not being expressed, they can get amplified, and they can only stay put away for a few hours to a day at most, and then they will come back out. Still, it can be enough to get out of a tight spot. It wouldn't be the first time she had done this to Sam. There were a few times when Jess first died and after Sam was forced to kill Madison.

So, Jen shifted her focus and began to whisper to Sam. "I know it hurts, more than anyone can imagine, but there are things we need to do and you know that. I know you can do this, just breathe and put the pain aside for a moment. Just a moment."

Sam resisted. "No. It's Dean. How can I do that?" He whispered, pushing Jen back out of his head. This was going to be harder than she anticipated. She kept speaking, calmly and firmly, chipping away.

"This is for Dean. We need to get him out of here. We can't be caught here." Jen paused for a moment, then loosened her grip on Sam. "Sam, look at me."

Sam was beginning to tire and he slowly lifted his head and looked in Jen's eyes. Once she caught his gaze she knew she had him. She took Sam's hands in hers. "You can get through this."

She felt the break in his mind, the opening she needed to get inside and put what she needed to into the room. Sam's eyes began to clear and his breathing slowed. He nodded slowly. "Okay."

Jen and Sam pulled each other to their feet, and Bobby made his way over to finally see the damage. It was horrifying even to Bobby, but he maintained his composure. The three worked quickly and quietly to get Dean's body wrapped in a sheet and loaded into the Impala.

"We'll head back to my place, figure it all out from there." Bobby took his place of authority and Sam nodded. Soon the small caravan was on the road. Sam insisted he could drive. Jen allowed it. At the very least it was a distraction for Sam and Jen could keep an eye on him.

* * *

><p>The ride was silent for a while. Sam couldn't bring himself to turn on Dean's music. He tried to focus on the road. He followed Bobby, staying as precise behind him as he could. Still, Sam couldn't stop plotting out what he could do to bring Dean back. He thought about what he would say to trick the crossroads demons. He thought about what he would do if he ever caught up with Lillith.<p>

Jen remained silent beside him. He looked over at her quickly, but she was facing forward. He wished for a moment that he could read her mind like she could read his. He wondered how true it was that she was helpless. She spoke about being powerful, but she couldn't even save one person, one important person by her own rhetoric. Now what would she do? What was her mission now? Would she even stay with Sam?

He didn't want her hearing all of this. He didn't know if she was listening before, but she wasn't anymore. She shifted in her seat slightly when he shut her out, but she didn't say anything.

After a few hours, Sam had a thought, and he called Bobby.

"Where are we going to put Dean's body?"

"What do you mean, where? We are going to salt and burn him proper like a hunter."

"We can't do that, Bobby. Dean is going to need his body when he comes back."

"Son, I know you mean well, but I don't think Dean is coming back from this one."

Anger burned in Sam's chest. "He is coming back, Bobby. I will find a way."

Sam heard Bobby sigh into the phone. "Sam, please, let's just do this right."

Sam knew that this wasn't going to end. Bobby wasn't going to give up or give in to Sam easily. If Sam wanted this, he was going to have to take action himself.

"Fine, well, then, I'll just bury him here, myself." Sam pulled a hard right onto the side road up ahead. They were already in a forested area that looked relatively deserted. This was as good a place as any.

Jen's voice drifted across the seat. "Maybe we should just get up to Bobby's first, Sam. We can have this argument there."

"So, what? You're on his side? No, we take care of this now." Sam pulled off next to the vast forest. He knew that they could find a spot in there that no one would notice. He wanted Dean's body in the ground, and quickly. He parked the car at the edge and got out, heading toward the woods to scope out a site.

"Sam, you're not thinking clearly." Jen shouted after him. She was wrong though. He was thinking perfectly clearly now. She was the one who told him to put the pain away. It was all logic. Dean needed a body to come back, and if they discussed this much further, his body was simply going to get worse and worse. This had to be done now.

After about 10 minutes of walking he was convinced that this would be a good place. He looked around at the tall trees and the barely walked upon ground. This would be Dean's grave. Jen was nowhere in sight. Sam turned around and returned to the car to get what he needed. He found Jen there, standing outside, waiting for him. She looked at him sadly. He locked eyes with her for a moment and spoke.

"I'm going to do this, with or without your help."

Jen nodded. "I'll help."

She took the shovel, and Sam took Dean, and the two returned to the woods. Sam found a spot similar to where he was before and began shoveling.

Bobby showed up about half an hour later while Sam was still digging and he had a box. A wooden box, about Dean's size. Sam looked up at him.

"If you are intent on doing this, son, you may as well do it right." Sam felt a tightness in his chest and a lump in his throat, but he just nodded at Bobby and swallowed it away. He had to think and he had to work. There was no time for tears, not now.

Soon the work was done. Dean was in a box six feet below the dirt and Sam, Bobby, and Jen stood above. No one said a word, there simply didn't seem to be anything appropriate to say.

Suddenly, a cold wind whipped through the gravesite. Sam shivered. As he watched the leaves in the wake of the breeze, he realized that it was no ordinary wind. The movement formed a loop right around the group. No natural wind can loop 360 like that. Sam's head snapped up and looked at Bobby who had also clearly noticed the pattern. The only one who hadn't moved was Jen. She spoke quietly.

"That was for me." She turned to Sam. "I have to leave right now, but I will return. I promise. I won't leave you if you want me. I am here for you." Sam just nodded. He wasn't sure what to think, if he could really trust her to return. Jen walked up to him and cupped his cheek in her hand. "Please be careful, Sam." Jen dissolved into a mist and was gone.

Sam knew what she meant. She didn't want him to do anything, but he couldn't just sit. He had to start. He had to bring Dean back. It was his fault anyway; this was the least he could do. He heard Bobby's voice.

"We done here, son?"

Sam looked at Bobby. "Yeah. We're done here."

Sam turned and walked away. He didn't know what he was going to do yet, but he certainly wasn't going to wait.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for getting to the end of another season with me! I'm excited to get Season 4 going. When you are looking for it, it will be called It Was the Year of Rebirth. I hope you all come along with me on the next part of the journey. I'm only a few episodes into Season 5, so now I really have to step it up! Thanks again for reading. Let me know your thoughts, questions, ideas, whatever!<strong>


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